But in spite of wielding the knife and assuring myself that I was going to thrust it into my stomach, I just could not get the power and zeal and spirit to accomplish that. Mother. I thought about her. Alia Leif. What would she do without me? I was her one and only daughter. The only girl she adored more than anything in this world. Yes, even more than her own happiness and well-being. Was this how I was going to repay her for everything that she had done for me? By killing and depriving her of my companionship and intercourse. No, that was not being fair, or was it? That night, while it poured hard and showered and thundered outside, I dreamt about Espen. These days, ever since I had become so humiliated and depressed and chilled about where my life was going, I had been experiencing frequent and endless and incessant nightmares. Nightmares about I myself wedding with fire-winged and hellish-looking demons and devils, nightmares about enraged and murderous-looking mobs and throngs. Now I was horribly ugly! They put my arm back together, it will be a long time before I type 80 words per minute again, but I will. My leg is healing, it itches though. Now it was time to try and fix my face. I insisted I wanted to be put back exactly the way I was. Something in me insisted, it took me awhile to realize it was just fear. Well, I have faced fear before, I steeled myself. Doctor Hansett was to do the facial surgery, he showed me options he could do. He also mentioned a tiny bit of snugging up would take out some of the lines that were daily becoming more obvious. He used a computer screen to show me the different looks, I was indifferent, still insisting on just the way I was. Then one combination caught my eye. He sensed my hesitation, expanded the look, pulled the lines out of my face. I was suddenly interested. I liked it, I would look 30 again, and finally a nose that fit my face, no more ski slope. I laughed out loud, ‘That one!’ almost giddy at the idea. ‘Then I.
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